Today, I feel kinda depressed to the point of writing, and I don't know wether to feel good or bad about. It had been a while since the last time I felt and intense emotion - intense enought to write about it.
I realized that what people don't understand is that a 'will issue' is not just about 'will'. They would always say that as long as you badly want something and you have the will to do it, it will happen. But it's not always the case. At least not for me.
For instance, I so freakin' badly want to be good at MMA, I have the will to do it. I was so freakin' willing to go on training and get bruised and be sore from sparring, but my grip is not strong enough to hold someone to submission, my punch is not strong enough to knock someone out and my kick, no matter how technical is not strong enough to hurt someone. So I can't be an MMA fighter now not because I don't have enough will to be one, but because my physical attributes wont cooperate. I also want to lose weight and stand at 120lbs, I want it badly. I tried every diet you can think about, I ran, went to the gym, did boxing, even starved myself at one point, by I only lose very little weight because after a while I would end up binge eating because I am not used to watching what I eat. I am fat now not because I don't have the will to be skinny, but because my food cravings think losing weight is funny.
But this writing is not about MMA or about losing weight. I have already come to accept that I may just always be an overweight MMA fan who watches UFC on TV shouting at how someone should beat an opponent when even I can't do it. And I have already embraced that part of me.
What bugs me now is the fact that no matter how I want to, I just cant excel at work. I know I am good at something but it is just not enough to be who I want to be. At first I thought it's maybe because I don't want it enough. Maybe if I want it a little bit more then I would end up trying harder and I will eventually make it where I want to be. But I realize it's not that simple. I grow up a happy-go-lucky girl who don't really care so much about things. Growing up, I only wanted simple things, so I got them without trying so hard. I was contented with the little things because I was taught that if you can't have something, you simply let it go. I was never ambitious and I have very simple sources of happiness. I never wanted grand things and even when I wanted to, the moment I realize we can't afford it, I would let it go and go back to what I have. That easy-going, simple attitude had worked great for me in the past 24 years, but it turned out that as you mature, you would want to do things that would require ambition. Goals that would require doing more than what you think you can, or have tried to do. Stuff that would force you to go out of your comfort zone and situations where you have to step on someone's dream to get to yours.
*Now 'Dreaming' by Kim Soo Hyun (from Dream High) is playing the background while tears are flowing down my face. Pwe~*
I had always been asked what seems to be the problem. Why can't I be consistent? Why can't I make it even if I have the ability to do so? I thought really hard for the answer, and I think I know it now. But even if I knew it back then when I was asked the question, I don't think I will ever be able to say it anyway. I am not good at telling people how I feel, especially if I had to go deep unto my emotion. I am so freakin' good at wearing an awesome facade and sometimes even if I want to, I just can't take it off. So now that I was able to finally dig into the issue, I wanted to write it instead. Paper is patient (or in this case, the internet) - it doesn't judge, although those who will read it may. But at least writing it down will avoid premature reactions. By writing, I am able to express everything without interuption.
So getting down to the main business about why I can't excel the way people expect me to be: I think it's the same reason why you can't expect a 10-year-old guard dog to suddenly be nice to strangers (pardon the metaphor). Nurturing a dream takes years, and I had only been working on it for a few months. On the other hand, I am not physically strong because I grew up doing nothing but watching anime and reading books. Unlike technique, physical strength takes years of training and patience, and the same thing goes to mental strength. To be mentally and psychologically strong enough to handle the pressure ofambitions, to learn how to fight the odds and muster the strength to push others out of the way to reach your goal - such things doesn't happen overnight as the phrase goes. I am not used to trying so hard. I am not much of a fighter. But I think it's about time I start being one.
These are not excuses, but rather an understanding of one's self. I believe that you will never be able to fix something unless you know there is something wrong. And now that I think I already know what the hell is wrong with me, I believe this is where the process of my growth starts. Others may think that starting to grow at 24 is a bit too late, but it's better to be late that absent (lol). But outgrowing myself and beating that girl in the mirror is something I can't do alone. I need help and I need others' strength. And I hope that I have people behind me as I fight in this battle.
-xoxo-
